friday, saturday, sunday

the end of january is comming. a fwe comments about the blog. asi i have this commitment mostly to my self, and even more so since no one really reads it, except for those few die hard fansit became apperant to me yesterday for the first time since september 2003 that i dont really feel like taking pictures today. and i dident. i missed lux so much yesterday that its all i thought about and i not only did not want to take a picture for this day, dident want to make ap icture at all. this is a crack in a long lasting fasade i thought was emlted in to me by now. maybe i should have taken more pictures of lux this weekend and that mighth ave made me feel diffarent. but there is also annother thing. i feel pointless. i have no career, nor will i ever. i have no talent to grant me the ability to create a life career for my self. i am not a creating artist that will ever be recognized, its more of a hobby i guess. i have no real marketable skills that can amount to mroe of a student paying job. i bearly make enough money to support my self today in the so cheap living arnagment i have. i have no secureties, and assurances that i will be able to support my self at a later date. i could have a career, but it will reqiure me to stay here in israel. i could probebly do the same in america, but since the future is so uncertain untill the end of march what else can i do.

i fed a hungry cat, i made a dogs life alittle nicer when i washed it and moved it in to a house. thats all i am good for. even though animals mean more the humans to me this is meaningless.

on friday i saw a news report about a group of israeli middle aged poeple who meet anualy with germans of the same class, and this year they will meet to make pilgramige to the aucshwiz death camp in poland. for all of the israelis this is a great oprotunity to feel JEWS, to realte to thier heratige, no matter that maybe some of them are not europian because after all we are all jews. for the israelis, each and every one of them said the same thing, its important for them that the germans are there with them. it add extra meaning to the whole thing. why? asks the reporter, no one answers. important and thats it. the germans on the other hand, have more insighfull things to say. they talk about their feelings and how this visit will affect them. for the israelis there is no affect because the are completly numb. one german girl, a news editor for a tv channle in germany said that she thinks this will make her feel distant from the group, and that she is afraid it will make her feel giulty even though she knows she it at no faoult what so ever. this is what the israelis are after, creating a feeling of giult thorugh poeple who are well educated instead of teaching them the verry same thing they have faild to learn from their own personal disaster. another german lady, political editor for a magazine sais she is moved and tuched by the atroceties of the place, and the bleak human terror inflicted, she does not care about numbers or mollions. she os more concenred that this horror is a simple one, that happend in the midts of a social cultural high point, and it could just as easily happen again. thats what frightens her, not a pile of hair and not stagerring figures of dead poeple. exactly opposite from the israelis, she looks ahead to the future.

when asked what they would have done at the time of the holocaust they all answer the same. most of them try to run away from answering with the i dont know what i wwould have done, but most of them also come back from the run and say "probebly nothing". and then we all say "yes the damm german nazis, theyd do it again if they just had a chance, look even she said it!", but the trouth is much mroe disturbing, the thruth is that we are living along side concentration camps, aparthied laws and extreme racist right wing militant society and say nothing. we all sit silently and "do nothing" we have learnd nothing and never will, such is the arrogant segragist self sustainig jewish nature.

after sying she probebly would have dont nothing she sais another thing that lies in the air like a huge a bomb ready to be dropped, "would you be willing to die for somone else to live?, would you be blindly willing to kill you self for soneomene you do not know? at every given time? at any situation?" the stupid jews and israelis that volontire for the army, think they will commit themselves to the nation live on the gun and think they will die for the next guy in line every day of the week and teice on tuesday, they all need to look themakves in the eye.