today i started a new work.a new work place is always hard and makes you feel uncomfertable, but good new work place also makes you feel that you might find your place there, be one of the gang, know little things that poeple who work in places know and fit in as a respected worker. this new place did not bestow upon me such feelings, and i as noted before i am loosing my over all confidence in things. though on the way back a realization that i might also make money developing and scanning negatives might actualy happen some day and i might just be able to live off that. it still makes me wonder every second of the day when i work, how can poeple afford to do anything here, like buy a car, buy a tv or an over priced camera. there are many rich poeple i know, and if you are already somewhat rich you can get even richer easily. all i want is enough money to buy a fucking TV or a car. today i lost all confidence in my car. the oil canister light started flashing when i got in to stop and go traffic on the 95 split near milton. then the engine started over heating, unless i turned the AC off.on the way back it got worse and the car almost did not make it to my sisters house. i was sure i will not make it back to providence, and i called joe from the road and asked if he thinks he might be able to pick me up if i get stuck. he said sure. this is the second time i write about this in the blog that even though i dont know joe all that well, he is a good friend to have any time of the day and twice on a tuesday. i made it back with the AC off and the sunroof open i even pushed the car and nothing happend just the AC is bothering it for some reason. i did however find out the the radiator is all rotten and have little surface foil left and what is left is crumbeling if you just touch it. i hope this is the problem. i dont want to buy a car, not to mention i cant afford it with my salary. so the fact that the radiator is caput made me feel a bit better about the car that if that part will be replaced it will run another 10000 miles but its still not solid, that emotion. the imacon saga continues. i am back right where i was a month ago with having to make a descion i dont know if i should be making or if it is worth to take the same chance another time exactly for the same reasons. i wish i had more answers and more time. i feel like i am old and i will get stuck in a rut pretty soon and will not be able to get out of it any longer because i will not have the means to do so. kind of like those old poeple whose kids leave the house and the get too old to work and have no money and their kids live so far away they buy a caravan and travel to meet the kids but often to not make it and they end up parking in a temporary trailer park, putting up their trailer against a few months rent and burial services. i will be really old soon and have even less options then. i want to travel and see things. i am afraid i dont have enough time to do all that.
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