i was trying to track back and write about the days past. i have forgotten almost all of it and i now remmeber only what happend yesterday. during these week, summery:
the scanner wet back to hasselblad. i gave my resume to 2 photo stores. one nice and one much nicer and closer. one answered, job interview, i got hired. hasselblad called to say they couldent find anything wrong with the scanner and i though i was fucked with it. then i called them back and they said they found the problem but dont know whats causing it yet. gustav climbed in to the wet wall in the attic and could not find her way down, we spent all the morning tying to pry her our and ended up breaking a hole in the plaster ceiling of the attic to get to her. at least there is a problem. we bought curtains and other things for the house. it is still in exactly the same condition as it was 2 weeks ago when we wanted to move in but couldent because "its not finished yet". we had lots of pad thais in boston. almost crashed in to somone on storrow drive while not paying atentuon to the road. had to change the read brake pads of the car. its started making strange engine noises lately, i know its on its last leg. i found another computer with 2 hard drives in it that were not cleaned. its funny, they are full of someones personal information and documents, no port this time.
yesterday at boston the scanner thing made me feel all fucked up and i guess even after it was cleared up i kept on feeling like crap, and all the optimism i had about it all went away and was replaced by bad feelings of failure. i am not so sure about anything, kind of like Captain kirk in "the enemy within" of star trek the original series, where due to a transporter malfunction the stuff beeing transported is duplicated but not exactly, one duplicate is all good and the other is all bad, and so is the captain, he emerges as the good natured part and the evil and aggressive part separately, who takes adavantage of girls and is combative while the other part is nice and calm and looses the ability to make descisions and command the ship, thats kind of what i feel like.
all i could think of, is that i wish i was rich, i wish i had lots of money and i could choose to do what i want and where i would live out of many options i like and not some i like less and some i hate. i wish i could buy a new car, a big ass TV but i cant even begin to understand where to money for all those things even comes from when you do work and earn an OK pay. shit. maybe i need to do more then one thing, more then school and really find work. i am feeling helpless as i dont know where to look for more profitable work, and i am not sure i can even find any.
1 comment:
i can only say i understand you well, but fortune for me my other half is always optimistic on things and he say time after time "things will be better in time and everything will be ok". it is comforting sometimes, but sometimes it makes me more mad. but at the end things do get better, and he always answers like this "we are kind of people that work hard and we are getting their slowly but surly, we will never be rich but we will be comfortable" this comforts me, in a way, but you know, he is write, things are getting better! and i believe you tow are a lot like us. you for sure remind me a lot of jon, when he started to look for his way. :-)
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