star (ing)

i realized today that we have been here for more then a month and we havent done anything. well we went to new york and found an apartment and spent time getting it ready (though we even havent moved in yet) but we really did not do anything. when i told tess about this she asked what would i want to do, and that got me thinking that i actualy seriusly do not know what i want to do. where as allways in my past i had a clear goal of what i want to do and where i want go things i want to have and see and so on there all kinda lost now. i guess i was all tnagled up in the bussiness of having tess move here, and in the proses of being in israel for almost a year mumbeling the same mantra every fucking day about where i am going and what i am doing wiht my life i lost track of the path an what i really wanted to do. i went running today. 15 minutes out and then a planned 15 minutes back, that turned in to only 12 on the return, but i was thinking all the way. on the way out i was thinking that i dont know what i want to do, what is it that i would do if i had all the time in the world and no worries? would i go photographing? would i work? would i find a better nicer place to live? would i watch a movie? and other things like what am i? am i photographer? what do i do as one? i guess this month and half is fore-fitted as we cant realy do anything here. this is not our home and we dont have space here ot set up, it just seems as though we have been here for so long for it to not make a diffarence. and for me especialy, having been living in a temporary house for the past 3 years or so not being able to really settle down and do what i want with my time. on the way back it started becoming more and more clear to me. i am doing what i want to do. i am in the US with TESS, i am not lazying around on my ass and am trying to sort shit out for my self. i will have lots of work ready to show for by the begining of the year. i will go out shooting once we settle in and i will make work i know i want to make, and photos i have been thinking about for almost a year now. i will start a new project with star trek TOS models. i will take studio shots in BW. these are my three school goals. my work goal is already beeing fullfild, and wiht that my car\tools\small business will also get going.
after all i guess its not that bad. just like maho said about her and john. i guess i am not at al optmistic, but when i look at the bigger picture it seems like not such a bad deal after all.