i cant run away form the whole of the things that re my life any further than i can throw them (which maybe quite a distance but the world is a small place as we so often happen to say to ourselves and then to others, in pseudo amazement of how small it actually is and how strange it is that we forgot all about that fact since it happened all but the same with the same amazement and excitement a few days ago...), and still they will always fall right back on my head. the multitude of facts that i am trying to encompass with my thoughts has no real center, or base starting point, thats maybe why i am having such a hard time actually talking about it. maybe thats a good place to start, having trouble talking about what i have clear thought about and talking endlessly about shit i know nothing about and have absolutely no connection to. I had my first second year MFA crit 2 weeks ago. i got creamed, and i said nothing of importance, i heard little things that i understood, or otherwise were relevant to the discussion and not personally implicit of me. but i still got creamed. i dont know what my photos are about. i am not so sure i am that interested in them anymore. and i guess more so after the crit but also before it i think that these photos are super boring. i havent made interesting photos in a while now. a meeting with shai kremer, that made me feel a little better and gave me a gleam of hope, was mainly based on the fact that materials from israel are strong because the emotions involved are strong and painful. pain and brutalism is a good thing universally and this type of content is always int resting as it most usually over takes any visual qualities a photo might have. i guess the same can be said about pretty stuff. that being said, it is true talent that can make pretty photos that also have proper material content that is as powerful as its visual quality. this led me to a lower lever of issue i am dealing with which is unavoidably - israel. when i was in israel i felt like i was just a guest. even before i actually moved to the US. i was in the wrong place as much as i can imagine a trans gender person feels he is in the wrong body (interesting to find many other similarities between that and what i think about my predicament). now that i am here i know i was right, israel is not the place for me to live in. i go back many times to the what ifs of israel i had left behind, and the what ifs if the future should i come back. some of them are appealing, but that always ends with the problematic fact that any opportunity is located in israel and will require living there. i was brought up in israel, and i learned to live my life there. when i am here i am incompatible for that reason. it does not matter that my mother is form here and that i can speak the language. i am a foreigner, the thing i always said i will not be and all kinds of zionist jews said "you will be a stranger anywhere you go israel is your only home". they were half right. this unrelenting connection that refuses to let go, follows me all the time. there is a constant comparison of life here and there, food here and there and so on. and comparison like any other "empirical" study can be interpreted from any point of view to suit its causes. all kinds of connections i thought i had here were personal and existed only in the provacy of my solitary life, i am finding more and more that they do not exist any more, some just dont apply to me any more and the rest are not avilable any more since they cannot be shared.
every few days i get up and feel like a can run a marathon but the energy soon dissipates and i am left with the same dreary feeling of worthlessness as before. unset future is a simple thing to deal with, uncertain goals, or even not having any is harder to deal with. guidance is something i am missing, especially the kind that i need to give myself.
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