november 30th. first real rain. same place same rain. same camera. no ouria tadmor but i still feel like shit. beer still makes me feel bad. it was back exactly 2 years ago -
when ouria got me convineced of the surplus value of diffarent things. he was wrong and i was stupid to follow in that way. he made me think that a childhood dream like beeing a pilot or a later one of beeing a photojournlist was wourth while sacrificing everything and not a bad idea to disallusion ones self. it made me feel stupid about my self then and has since put me in a position i have yet find my way out of. once, i wanted to be like ouria tadmor, i felt i can throw everything away and be as free as a kite. that beeing a creator and not a vendor is a good idea that it means somthing. it probably does, but not for me, for lack of talent, lack of meaning, or a grand understanding of the bigger picture what real is, where it is and how to do it. non of that has any value with no passion. and i had all the passion in to world to make this change to be something, but i couldent then and i cant now. i am a nothing and cant realize what i want. i cant even write it down and explain it over these black pages as i once could. there should be no comments of this nonsense. i have made little progress since that november 2 years ago, now i have less focus, less camera, less understading, less motivation - no creation, wich on its own is not a bad thing. making stuff makes me sad. i wonder how much mroe sad i can get.
there is no forgiveness for crimes of passion.
PS, the last image is called "three fat asses."
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