mutilation

tess tells me i talk in my sleep. somtimes that i yell. i always ask her what did i say? was it anything intresting or clevar for a change? she sais i dident make any sence and moves on. she sais i yell like a hunted animal in distress, somthing like Kastumoto tells Nathan algren, that a soldier that cant sleep because of what he sees in his dreas is only one who is ashamed of what he has done.

KATSUMOTO
... You have nightmares.
ALGREN
Every soldier has nightmares.
KATSUMOTO
Only one who is ashamed of what he
has done.
ALGREN
You have no idea what I have done.

i am upset having to be upset because of causing someone else greif. i am upset that i have to think about iot and deal with it. this is usless, i have not changed i cannot change, and even if i do there so no runnig away from y fate - to end up just like my predecesors were, just like all of them. time and time again iwill make the same mistakes fight the same battles - if once i thought that knowledge of these things might be my redemption i know i was wrong. i write every now and again that "if i had slight doubts about somthing - i should be SURE by now". this is old news, i am sure of all those things i used ot have doubts about but now i know i never learnd a thing.